Ugrat the Fair and Etiriela the Crimson
by Lhachel
Summary: Why are there no Sues for Lurtz? I wrote one, because I felt like it. This is a very, very sarcastic ficcy. *NEW* First part of a Saruman Sue!
1. Default Chapter

[AN: Ummm. Yes, I have been bitten by a plot bunny. It was painful. This was the result. I wrote this because NOBODY writes about Lurtz, and they definitely don't write Sues for him. I love Lurtz, so I wrote a Sue for him. Flame all you like, our love will remain true and constant. So there! But this is a humour fic. And I may write more! (Horrible thought!) Why doesn't anyone write Sues for Saruman?  
  
And I don't own him, although I wish I did.]  
  
Ugrat was the second Uruk-Hai out of the breeding pits. She was tall, strong, fast and even (for an Uruk-Hai) beautiful. When they trained she was always the quickest on the defense or attack.  
  
Her manners were polite and refined, and she always finished what she took at the table. She could keep the other orcs in line, but her one true love, Lurtz, never noticed her. He was so brave, so strong, so. so utterly adorable.  
  
Her heart burned within her when she heard Sharkey's stirring speech. Man- flesh! When had she last tasted it? How exciting it would be, finally out on a mission with her Lurtz! Her mind lapsed into dreaming of the day when Lurtz would notice her.  
  
The orcs streamed out of the pits where they lived, Ugrat sneaking up just behind her love. They ran far into the night before some of the more wimpy orcs announced they would mutiny if they didn't get a break.  
  
As the camp settled into silence, Ugrat quietly crept up behind Lurtz, and whispered in her most melodious voice,(which, trust me, was not very melodious) "Lurtz?"  
  
He jumped. "What is it? What do you want?"  
  
"I wanted to tell you that I love you." His face softened.  
  
"I love you too, my darling." They kissed passionately.  
  
[So endeth that. Review and tell me what you think! 


	2. Saruman the White and Etiriela the Crims...

Saruman the White and Etiriela the Crimson  
  
[AN: I don't own Tolkien. I do own Etiriela and Ugrat, though I'm not sure that's a good thing.  
  
I got tons of reviews on my first chapter. More than I've gotten on any one chapter of any of my stories. Lots of them asked for a Saruman Sue, so I am catering to their desires, although this one will probably be more sarcastic than my Lurtz Sue. Review!]  
  
Saruman awaited the coming of the sixth Istari. She, unlike all the others, had been born into the body of a beautiful (though elderly) woman. She knew nothing of his plans for the Ring, but he hoped that she would join him. She would join him, or she would join the fool Gandalf on top of Orthanc.  
  
Etiriela rode towards Isengard. She was looking forward to consulting with Saruman and Gandalf about the Ring. She shook her snow white hair away from her snapping green eyes. The Ring really was awfully annoying. It totally got in the way of her inter-personal relationships.  
  
She rode through the gates of Isengard, and looked around at the pretty, soon-to-be-rooted-up trees. 'What a picturesque spot. I wish that I had gotten here before Saruman. It would be a nice place to live'  
  
Saruman greeted her at the doors of Orthanc. She was even more beautiful than he remembered, her long white hair done elf style, with the two little braids pulled back. Her face was not as wrinkly as Gandalf's, but even the wrinkles showed a sense of humour.  
  
" Hey, like, greetings, Saruman. I have, you know, come for your counsel and help." She bowed, her red robe moving gracefully around her figure.  
  
"You are welcome here, Etiriela. You shall aid me as I search for the Ring, to keep it out of the hands of the untrustworthy races of Men and the clutches of Sauron."  
  
"I will gladly help you, but where is Gandalf? You said in your message to me that he was, like, also coming to Isengard."  
  
"He came, but he did not agree with my plan. He left Orthanc in a huff."  
  
"Oh no!" gasped Etiriela, her eyes widening. "Why would he, like, do something like that? I always thought, y'know, that he was, like, a person who kinda wanted to, you know, help?"  
  
Saruman smiled. Etiriela was so naïve, and so easy to manipulate. He could easily make her find the Ring and give it to him.  
  
"Apparently not, Etiriela. He thinks only of himself and the creatures called 'hobbits'. I think that perhaps one of them has the Ring, and he wants it for himself."  
  
"Wow! Maybe he's, like, in league with, y'know, Sauron."  
  
"It is possible." 


End file.
